Itachi's Cracky Revenge
by DakotaOfGallifrey
Summary: CRACK! Pein comes back from a mission to find the Akatsuki base is in chaos and that Itachi is pregnant. If you don't like that sort of thing, don't read! Very OCC.
1. Chapter 1

**a/n my first attempt at writing crack. if you don't like the sort of things it said in the summary, then don't read. i don't want someone yelling at me saying Itachi would never get pregnant. i know he never would would get preganat in the actual Naruto world, but this is coming out of a screwed up world called my mind.**

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><p>Pein sighed as he entered the secret entrance of the Akatsuki base. Chaos usually ensued if he left for 5 minuets, let alone the 3 days he was gone. His chakra was almost completely gone, so he conserve what he had left. Which meant his senses wouldn't be very keen.<p>

He walked down the long stone corridor leading to the house part of the base. Konan was out at the store getting groceries since there probably wasn't a lot of food left. Pein cringed when he stepped in something squishy.

"REALLY?" Pein boomed and started wiping the shit he stepped in off of his shoes. He continued walking until he got to the concealed entrance of the Akatsuki house. He could already hear music blasting and some screaming and yelling. He took a deep breath and unlocked the entrance with the chakra he had managed to build up.

"Sasori, stop putting make-up on Deidara! Kakuzu, stop swimming in your money! Hidan, quit pole dancing! Zetsu, stop eating our hostages! Kisame, stop crying, your goldfish died two weeks ago, just go get another one! And Tobi, put the camera down! Someone turn the music off!" Pein yelled. Hidan actually listened for once and unplugged the stereo.

"Leader-sama should Tobi wake up Deidara Senpai?" Tobi asked, setting his camera on the coffee table.

"Yeah and get the make up off him." he said starring at the unconscious blonde. He was wearing purple eye shadow, red lipstick, and pink blush. He was also wearing a frilly pink dress and had a white, big ass bow in his hair. Sasori just sat there snickering as Tobi dragged him away to find the antidote for whatever he had drugged him with.

"Now I have two questions. Where is Itachi? And why is there a pile of shit in the corridor?" Pein yelled.

"Tobi found a puppy and it kept pooping and peeing everywhere so Zetsu ate it." Kakuzu said as he picked up his kiddy pool full of money.

"And what about Itachi?"

"He's puking in the bathroom. We think he's fucking pregnant." Hidan said putting his hands on his hips.

"Itachi can't be pregnant. He's a guy." Pein pointed out. How stupid can they be?

"But he's gained weight, he's all moody and he's having weird cravings." Kisame explained.

"It's just his emo hormones kicking in." Pein said, crossing his arms.

"He ate a fucking book!" Hidan yelled. Just then Konan walked in.

"Who ate a book?" she asked in a confused voice.

"Itachi. We think he's pregnant." Kakuzu explained. Konan's eyes lit up. Oh no.

"Awwwe. He's having a baby!" Konan squealed.

"Were not sure yet if he's really pregnant though." Kisame pointed out.

"Okay, give me a minute." Konan said, setting the groceries on the couch before she ran towards her (and Pein's) room. She came back with a pregnancy test.

"Here give this to him." Konan said, handing Kisame the small box.

"How do you work it?" Kisame asked.

"Have Itachi pee on the stick, then wait 3 minuets and see what color it turns." Sasori answered before Konan could say anything.

"Oh." was all Kisame said before going to find Itachi.

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><p><strong>5 min. later<strong>

"Guys, the fucking timer went off!" Hidan yelled. Everyone jumped up to go see what the result was except Itachi.

"I already told you, I'm not pregnant!" he yelled from the couch.

"Well, according to the test, you are." Sasori said.

"It's okay to be going through denial." Konan said sympathetically to Itachi.

"I'M NOT IN DENIAL!" he yelled, activating his sharingan.

"Calm down, Itachi. I heard stress isn't good for the baby." Kakuzu said sternly.

"Wait, if Itachi is pregnant, then who's the father?" Pein asked. He was still skeptical that Itachi was pregnant, but he wanted to know.

"Sharkface" Hidan said pointing to Kisame.

"Congratulations!" Konan yelled and gave Kisame a small hug.

"Thank you."

"Hey Konan," Itachi called from the couch.

"Yeah"

"Why did you have the pregnancy test in the first place?" he asked with a smirk.

Konan and Pein's faces turned red. "Well… um… you see… um."

"I didn't ask Leader." Itachi stated. His smirk had grown into a grin.

The rest of the Akatsuki looked at them with smirks and grins as their faces turned an even deeper shade of red.

"Uh um… we have important business to take care of, in um… a place that's not here!" Pein stuttered. He grabbed Konan by the arm and ran to their room.

The rest of the Akatsuki couldn't take it anymore and burst out laughing.

Revenge is sweet. Itachi thought to himself. Revenge is sweet.

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><p><strong>Did anyone like Itachi's revenge on Konan for saying that he was in denial?<strong>

**If I get 5 or more reviews saying that they want the story to continue in 1 week i'll make it longer, if not i'm keeping it a one-shot. Even if I do end up making it a longer story, my other story Broken will still come first, so this would not have daily updates. Sorry if there are a lot of mistakes, i hate proofreading, as long as people can understand it and the writing is decent, i'm okay with the story.**

**Review before Itachi's eats all of your books (including manga books)**


	2. Chapter 2: Zetsu is Not Edible

**I am continueing the story :D Sorry I made you guys review so i would write more chapters, I just wasn't sure if i should continue because it's probably going to interfere with my updating for Broken :/**

**I don't own Naruto or Twilight**

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><p><strong>1 week later...<strong>

"GET IT OFF, **GET IT OFF, **GET IT OFF!" Zetsu screamed as he ran around the base like a madman. Itachi's pregnancy cravings were getting out of hand. He had decided Zetsu's big ass venus flytrap looked tasty and started gnawing on it when he was sleeping.

Konan heard the commotion and went to go yell at them. "What is with all this-!" she stopped in mid-sentence when she saw Itachi trying to eat poor Zetsu, "Kisame! We need you to help control Itachi!" Konan called in the direction of Kisame's room.

"What is he doing now?" Kisame asked as he walked out of his room.

"He's trying to eat Zetsu!" she yelled pointing to the two ninja. Kisame nodded and went to go help Zetsu.

"Itachi, get off of Zetsu, he's not edible." Kisame coaxed, in a voice that you would use on a puppy. He stopped chewing on Zetsu and looked at Kisame.

"SUSHI!" he yelled jumping off his current meal and onto the blue skinned shinobi. Kisame screamed like a little school girl and started running in circles. Konan faced palmed and left so Itachi wouldn't try to eat her since his new favorite food was books, and books had paper in them.

"Itachi what are you doing to Kisame?" Tobi asked as he skipped into the room.

"LOLLIPOP!" Itachi yelled, tackling Tobi to the floor.

"Bad Itachi! Don't eat Tobi! Tobi is a good boy!" the lollipop masked ninja screamed as he tried to get Itachi off of him, **"Itachi get off me right now!" **Tobi (Madara) boomed. Itachi realized he was licking Madara and ran behind the couch. Just then, Deidara and Sasori walked into the base carrying two bags full of books.

"Itachi, we got you some more books." Sasori said as he walked behind the couch and handed the bags to him.

"Thank you." Itachi said politely. He picked up a random book to read (and then eat). He looked at the book, it was mainly black with a picture of two hands holding and apple and said Twilight on it in white lettering. He began reading, while Zetsu and Kisame tended to their bite wounds and Madara/Tobi cleaned the spit off of him.

"Edward and Bella's love is so beautiful." the now crying Uchiha sobbed.

"Oh great, here comes the mood swings." Deidara whispered to Hidan.

"I HEARD THAT!" Itachi yelled as he activated his sharingan. Deidara and Hidan ran for their lives when Itachi stood up. The Uchiha smirked and went back to reading/eating his book. After a while, Itachi was in the mood to eat something other than paper. He looked in the kitchen, but didn't find anything he wanted. He wandered around the Akatsuki base in search of food. He remembered that Zetsu had a small garden in his room and left to go see if any of it was edible.

**Meanwhile…**

"What the fuck are we going to do about that pregnant bastard?" Hidan asked. Pein had called a meeting to discuss what they were going to do about Itachi.

"We could see if he's willing to get an abortion." Kakuzu suggested, "It's cheaper than caring for a baby."

"We already decided not to do that." Kisame piped up.

"Where's the baby going to come out of anyways, yeah?" Deidara asked. The Akatsuki were silent.

"Konan, you're a girl. Where do babies come out of?" Sasori asked. None of the Akatsuki (besides Itachi) knew their parents long or well enough to have had "the talk" with them.

"Somewhere that Itachi doesn't have." Konan said simply.

"Ohhhhh." the male members of the Akatsuki murmured.

"Then what the fuck do we do when the baby is ready to be born?" Hidan asked. The Akatsuki fell silent again.

"I KNOW YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT ME!" Itachi screamed, running into the meeting.

"We'll deal with that later!" Pein decided quickly, "Meeting adjourned!" All of the Akatsuki scattered, trying to get away from the hormonal Uchiha.

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><p><strong>I will try to update every couple of days.<strong>

**Review before Itachi eats Zetsu and Kisame**


	3. Chapter 3: Twins!

**a/n So... this is going to be the last chapter of this story...**

**I don't own Naruto or the Best Friend song or Charlie Sheen**

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><p>"Push!"<p>

"Push what?"

It had been 9 months since Itachi had gotten pregnant and he was currently going through labor.

"Konan, what are we supposed to do, yeah?" Deidara asked worriedly.

"Uh… Umm… A C-section… I guess?" she suggested timidly.

"What's that?" Tobi asked.

"We cut Itachi open and get the baby out that way!" Konan explained.

"WHAT?" Itachi asked/yelled.

"I can fucking do that!" Hidan yelled pulling out his scythe.

"Don't you dare!" Kisame yelled, tackling the Jashinist.

"Does anyone know how to do this?" Pein yelled. Everyone just looked at each other nervously. "Sasori, Kakuzu, you guys are in charge!"

"Wait, what?" they yelled in unison.

"You guys have the most medical knowledge, so you guys are getting the baby out of him!" Pein explained.

"But-!"

"No buts! Just do it!" Sasori got out of Hiruko with some medical supplies in his hand. He stabbed a syringe into a vial of purple liquid.

"What's that?" Itachi nervously asked.

"It's just a sedative." the redhead answered, shoving the needle into the Uchiha's arm. He was unconscious within seconds.

**One C-section Later**

"Twins!" Kisame yelled happily, "A boy and a girl!"

"Awe, they have your skin." Konan cooed, looking at the blue skinned babies. The sedative had worn of and Itachi was starting to wake up.

"What are you going to name them, yeah?" Deidara asked.

"We decided if we had a girl we would name her Akane and if we had a boy we would name him Kano." Itachi answered groggily as Kisame handed him the crying twins.

"Will someone shut those little pieces of shit up?" Hidan said irritatingly. Itachi activated his sharingan and used Tsukuyomi on him. "Did you really fucking have to do that?" he grumbled, standing up and shaking his head.

"Yes, and no more swearing. I don't want my children to turn out like you." Itachi growled.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Hidan yelled. Kisame hit him in the head, knocking him to the ground.

"It means you're a bad influence." the blue skinned man explained.

"We're all S-rank criminals, for Jashin's sake! And you're calling ME a bad influence!"

"Stop yelling, your scaring them." Itachi commanded. Hidan rolled his eyes and mumbled something before storming out of the room.

"Can I hold one of them?" Konan asked. Itachi nodded and handed her Akane. "Awe, she's so adorable!"

"Do I even want to know how much it's going to cost to take care of them?" Kakuzu asked.

"Probably not." Sasori told him. The masked ninja let out a small grunt all looked like he was going to be sick.

"We should probably feed them, yeah." Deidara suggested. Tobi ran to the fridge and came back with cold pizza in his hands.

"Here you go, Tobi got something for you to eat!" he said, waving the pizza in Kano's face.

"Tobi, your such an idiot," Deidara said, face palming, "you need to blend up the pizza before they eat it, un." Tobi nodded his head and went to go get the blender.

"Guys, babies don't eat pizza, even if it is blended." Konan said. "You need to feed them baby formula." The male members just cocked their head to the side uncomprehendingly. "It's like milk with more nutrients in it."

"How do we make it?" Pein asked.

"You buy it from a store." she answered. Kakuzu groaned. "I'll go buy some. No one do anything until I get back!" she commanded as she handed Akane back to Itachi. She got some money from Kakuzu and ran out the door.

"How does Konan know so much about babies, **when she doesn't have any kids?"** Zetsu asked.

"Because she's a woman." Sasori answered simply.

"Oh."

"I'm going to go check on Hidan." Kakuzu said, standing up. He got up and walked up to Hidan's room and cracked the door open.

Hidan was wearing a long blonde wig and singing, "He's my best friend, best of all best friends. Do you have a best friend too?" While dancing with a cardboard cutout of Charlie Sheen. Kakuzu's eyes widened, then he just closed the door and walked away.

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><p><strong>I'm sorry, this chapter was really sucky : I might do a sequal if i get 4 or 5 reviews, but that story would still have slow updates, like this one. **


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